Department of Soulmates

by Agnes

on 2016-10-23

The Department of Soulmates is an important part of the WholeBeing center. When the ancients say, “You are only half a person,” they are not talking in doublespeak. Philosophocle, as an institution of learning, has been traditionally hostile towards romantic relationships, viewing them as a distraction, outside of certain inbred groups (the Sexists, the Poly House, and the “Concocters” subfaction of the Creativists). Those that hold up signs before lunch, “Date me for lunch today!” are often given icy glares.

Instead, the Department of Soulmates offers a “safe space” to talk about romantic relationships. The walls are rainbow-colored, and we have buckets of paint in storage if you desire to make them more colorful. (We also have coupons for hair-dying salons.) The “matchmaking” aspect is most familiar to students. We offer two bulletin boards for this purpose, titled “Looking for soulmates” and “Looking for sexmates”, as well as colored markers, post-it notes, and cards for you to write your “looking for…” message. We offer relationship counseling, no matter how many there are in your party. (We urge you to come to us before your relationships get out of hand. We know that people in the Poly House prefer to manage their relationships on their own, but we are here to help. In fact, the Department of Soulmates was started by Keena Rihillis, an early member of the Poly House.)

We offer a study room. Several students say that it is their favorite place to study, not just because of the rainbow-colored walls, but because they are free to think romantic thoughts. When they outburst statements like “I wish I could break up with my thesis to get a real girlfriend!” they are not met with nearby studiers writing “BE QUIET” or “DIVORCE IS IMMORAL” on sheets of paper torn out from their notebook and pushed towards them passive-aggressively, but snaps of fingers and “Yeah, I feel for you!” You are free to smile or wink at fellow studiers of the same or opposite sex.

You will find there many singles, couples, as well as several multiples. We also have “solitude necklaces,” which you may wear if you do not wish to be looked, smiled, or winked at. (While we cannot enforce this custom outside of the Department of Soulmates, you can be assured that you are safe within our rooms.)

Many students cite “not knowing where to start” or “not knowing what my goals would even be” as a turn-off from having a romantic life. In this case, we recommend that you drop by to pick up a brochure and sign up for a thirty-minute session with one of our many counselors. While those thirty minutes could be used to read thirty more pages of Feller’s tome on Social Ethics, that use of thirty minutes is unlikely to result in finding the other half of yourself.1 Surely you cannot anticipate what all the chapters of your thesis before you start—the same is true of relationships. We are here to help you all the way.

  1. Writes the Poly House, “or the other \(\frac{n-1}{n}\), where \(n>2\)”.

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