by Professor Whyse

on 2017-05-28

The permission and funds granted to the Athletics Department to build a new sports stadium where the Near Nether Woods now stands has been revoked. This permission was contingent on the athletes having an average GPA of at least 2.0 (“Morally competent, if not intellectually competent”). Unfortunately, the athletes have finished the year with an average GPA of 1.98, partially as a result of their misuse of Emptiness Field.

Phil Zipples, the Principle of Philosopocle, pointed to a graph showing a negative correlation between academic performance and athelticity. Sports Coach Alpha retorted with, “DO YOU EVEN LIFT?” In an era where education is being accosted on all sides (for example, by computers, The Internet, greed, lust, and the threat of all-out war between the Uniformists and Creativists), Phil Zipples said, we cannot afford to spend our money on facilities which will negatively affect the education of our students. Fron, a student in attendance who has taken a class on Data Science, was quick to point out that “correlation does not imply causation.” We asked Professor Unsur, who taught the Data Science class, but she declined to comment other than saying that it was out of her area of expertise.

Phil suggested that if Alpha was unhappy with his appointment at Philosophocle, he could go to places that looked favorably on sports, such as the USA.

The funds will be reallocated to a joint program between the WholeBeing center and the Philosophy Department in order to build a labyrinth in the same location.

“The well-being of our students is our utmost concern,” Agnes, the spokesman of the WholeBeing Center said, “I think before we give our students more facilities to ‘play ball’ we must make sure that their psychological and philosophical conditions are treated. Unfortunately, the kind of soul-seeking that our students need cannot be administered in an antiseptic room in the WholeBeing center by a practiced therapist or theologian, because it is a mistake to think that philosophical well-being can be ‘administered.’ Instead, it must be found in a long personal journey of introspection, reflection, and facing one’s greatest fears in physical form.”

As an added plus, although the Near Nether Woods will be cut down, squirrels will not have to be made homeless by this plan. There are plans to build “squirrel houses” into the labyrinth as well as bridges so that the squirrels are not inconvenienced.

When asked about when the labyrinth will be completed, Agnes said that he is currently talking to Professor Molds in the Biology Department, who is exploring possibilities for fast-growing hedges. “It may take us a long time,” Agnes said, “But there is only one way in, and one way out.”

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