A public elevator has been installed in the library! There was much debate about whether its installation would discourage physical activity—climbing stairs with an armful of books works out both your arm and leg muscles, while standing in an elevator does neither—and whether we would create another fault line for our already splintered student body—perhaps they will call themselves Walkers and Riders. (We have planned for this eventuality, so there is a temporary moratorium on any application for founding religions which make significant mention to either stairs or elevators.)

To compensate, and to increase the appeal of the elevator to those who might otherwise show off their physical prowess, the elevator has been set to slow speed. It takes thirty seconds to go from the first to the second floor. “Meet someone new—take the elevator today!” the posters say. We believe that the thirty seconds in an elevator when you have nothing else to do will encourage you to interact with the other strangers in the elevator, perhaps by asking them penetrating questions or engaging in a thirty-second improvisational scene. (Creativists and Dramatists have expressed excitement over this development—I wonder what they have in store!)

(Disabled students need not worry. The helpful library attendants will more than happily carry you up the stairs, or classify you as a book so you may temporarily use the BOOKS ONLY service elevator.)